It's another moment, a moment of sublime steadiness, of feeling you've got this.
Well, I think that was Tuesday past and I'm now starting to feel the storm.
Swallowing is really quite painful and next up is the morphine, but we're fine just now, I just can't dodge eating. The shakes are fine for a day off like yesterday. I just couldn't be bothered making food when it doesn't taste and fatigue had me asleep by teatime anyway. We both were asleep with our ailments. Caitlin didn't have it too easy as the trains were in tatters after an incident sadly took place at Grantham.
There's nothing but carnage at these times for the family of the person, the driver and staff on the train or at the station. It's just happening far too often and on Thursday let's hope a few people look at mental health day and ruminate on how every 90 minutes somebody somewhere in the UK has had enough, in the most final way.
When I thought about my treatment alongside that, it's a lot less painful. Like Caitlin and the 1000 on the train, it's all got to be put in perspective. We all need to try and achieve perspective. Our journey, our Camino does not happen in a vacuum, however small our society is, we are in a society and we are part of it.
I remember a song about "don't fence me in", when I was wee living in the USA watching all these channels on TV. They were light years ahead of us in channels and marketing. No wonder religion is so popular on TV there. You can absolutely sell anything and more importantly create your own society. You neednt leave your house in the 70's and could watch all these channels from morning to night.
A lot has changed in the last 50 years, as we now have so many channels we can do the same, as I plan to do this weekend. I'll take a wee walk but to be honest I'm just so done in. The tiredness is as overwhelming as it was in week 1. Back then it was because I let myself get dehydrated and hungry so I've been on the scales and noticed I've lost half a stone in 36 hours.
It's uncanny how powerful the zapping is but it just leaves you drained, which then makes you less than hungry, hence the shots. I think I might need 3 shakes today as I've hardly managed a step.
In these darker moments I try to remind myself about the Camino Can'cerre. Diagnosis, Preparation, treatment, recovery and living. As processing goes it's pretty simple. As project timelines go they're also amazingly flexible and yet very tight.
You'll be given a lot of freedom during the preparation stage and as I've said before getting my body into a state to endure this probably required just the one thing. Alcohol had to leave the room for 6 months. I'm sure it will be involved on my recovery but the biggest part of the preparation was making sure I didn't go through withdrawal on the treatment table.
Prior to that was the diagnosis, for which everyone deserves another mention. I was in my GP one minute, the lump clinic the next and suddenly my biopsies had me at the Western pronto for the preparation phase of teeth tonsils mask fitting and feeding tube.
I've heard it said it's been a rotten summer, down the allotment, but to be honest, I'm pretty happy with the summer I've had. It's been very productive.
Now we're 4 weeks through the treatment and I wonder why I'm a bit tired. It's been a whirlwind. I am exhausted and it's hard to eat, or even get out of bed and walk a bit. I'll continue trying but the step count looks to be falling and I've got the overnight with chemo on Tuesday.
I met the woman who was admitted same time as me. We've bumped into each other a few times along the journey. She's really struggled with the eating and drinking from quite early as the treatment really did bite hard for her. I'll see her next week as we're getting chemo at the same time so will be traipsing down with our drips to get zapped next week. She's already feeling good about the countdown of the last 10 sessions. I joked I'm the opposite that I'm still thinking it's all been about getting to this point. It's horses for courses and whatever works to get you through the day is all that matters. She looked on good spirits which was great as I could see her husband was struggling with it. First line of support can't be an easy job and I'm also in awe of all the people in that position.
Tonight it was my turn to be supportive for a change and made scrambled eggs for Jackie after the baked tomatoes and bacon this morning. I even had a piece of mackerel but as much as I can smell it, I can't taste anything and it's just a texture change. I enjoyed eat it though which is funny as normally when you cook you nibble rather than dive in. I also had the last flagging of soup Jackie had made so after losing weight over the last two days I might have stopped the rot.
I'm still exhausted and the second walk won't take place. The first one to the garage to get some trousers from an earlier era proved successful if a bit tiring. I'll stack the dishwasher and climb into bed. I'll miss the Camino Norte this year but Bilbao to Santander can wait until the spring. I feel I have to factor in if the scan goes against us and the cancer hasn't gone I'll have another phase so probably better to get the good news and go home and pack, rather than book up everything just to get ahead of myself.
Tottenham delivered a first half performance like they did against Man U last week and then they turned I to Man U in the 2nd half to let Brighton shine through for an unlikely (at half time) 3-2 win. I had £1@155/1 on Brennan J to score first and final score 3-3. Close but no cigar, springs to mind.
Enough, it's time for bed. I'm yawning and we know how painful that it.
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