Week 4 begins - last of the easy weeks!

Yes, today it's raining and it's day 16 of radiotherapy. Past halfway now and the throat is scratchy but we can still eat. I didn't bother with my 3am Weetabix and I think I'm a bit scratchier for it. Amateur sleuth in me thinks hydration and keep things going through but pragmatism suggests it's supposed to get worse.

Either way I've never seen a blood pressure from me like it. That's what a summer of restraining orders on the alcohol can do for you and particularly since late July. As September draws to a close I'm probably at day 70 in a withdrawal programme that still has me chuckling. 

As a comfortable self.medicating bi polar alcoholic I'm not averse to being uncomfortable in sobriety, in fact it lets my hyper self shine. The car crashes tend to come when my hyper state gets despondent with the consequences of spiralling out of control. Thankfully that's where the Stockholm syndrome can kick in.

I've been wondering how attached I've got to my lump, especially since hearing it was shrinking. It's a part of me however unwelcome, that has sent me on a very welcome journey.

I'd have never found out, inside the ropes, just how superb all the professionals are at the western. I knew about their great work from many visits there but to be part of the theatre, part of the action, (unlike Man utd yesterday🤣) is a special and most welcome journey indeed.

Is it Stockholm syndrome if I embrace the journey or only if I refuse to let the cancer go. I'm not that attached to it, I suppose I've got to consider it attached to me, we've rubbed along for a while, but if the Doc says it's time it left, then I'll take their advice.

I had previous with a mole I liked. I had a great time with the Doc as he allowed a class of students to ask me about my moles and why this one had stood out. I explained I counted them every morning and checked for variations. Yes, I said welcoming the obvious question, there were 1789, that was 13 up on the previous week and I proceeded to point out the new ones. I had some that were shaped like Orion or The bear and others with no fixed pattern. I said our daughter had 7 of the moles I had in the same places on the opposite side. I was left handed and she right handed so I laughed, you work it out, then after more nonsense the Doc stopped my havering wind ups and proceeded to cut the mole out. It was benign and a happy red herring. 

I miss that mole, it was much nicer than the wee scar. I don't suppose I'll miss the cancer that much. I never really got to know it. One minute I had a lump next minute we're here, passing halfway on the treatment plan, a stone lighter and blood pressure to match. I've not seen the liver statistics but I'm guessing they'll be improved for the abstinence. My temperature sits at 37.5 before paracetamol and 36.5 after. As soon as I see 37.5 again I take more pain relief. I tend to take it when it's too sore but it's nice to see it saying 37.7 and you have a double check you're not just chomping painkillers. 

Today feels brilliant for more reasons than #16/30, as Caitlin is up for the week. I'll meet her off the train before heading down for my bloods, water change and zap.

I've found when waiting for a train it's good to take a picture. With my capacity for concentration that means I can load it on the blog talk about how much I enjoy the architecture of the station and then the train appears.

One hour later I like to look up my steps from the station. It was raining so I'd planned to get a bus halfway, but just missed the #8 as I came out of lower Calton road.

I relived my childhood trying to run to the next stop and nearly made it, but just like my childhood, the bus caught the light. I never could catch a bus. I should've got the train. I need to soon as I've a record to collect from the people at last night in Glasgow. It will be a lovely day out, maybe after chemo next week. I can relive those days when we'd venture west for a gig or some "weepies" aka onion rings from Rock bottom on the byres road. Or was it called something else. I definitely enjoyed burgers back then. They were like the king hero in thistle street, a proper old style rough around the edges burger.

Ah, how your life flies by as you stroll.

I thought I was going to be late but made it up from canonmills in 25 mins so happily on time. It's great this place, I was thinking I needed to pump up my body so the bloods went ok and a wee jog, fast walk sorted it.

Not for the first time the nurse was into the vein, taken my bloods and put a plaster on before I'd stopped slavering about the food I'd eaten. I changed the water again, moaned about how the tube is irritating me with sharps pains, then I was off again talking about breakfast and teeth brushing at 5am, putting the mouth guards on filled with the flourine max toothpaste then falling asleep until 7am.

I'm just one endless stream of nonsense. Mouth open wide, yes, you've got thrush at the back and yes a lot of ulceration in the throat, as expected in week 4.

Painkillers?, yes, back down to two lots of paracetamol and nothing else. I'd had two days the other week, of the night-time diahydrocodeine but decided the pain wasn't as bad as I first thought. 

Back via cafe Gallo for an affogatto then home again to see Caitlin and Jackie. Virus isn't shifting too fast for Jackie so I went down and got us some camembert to bake and pizza. For some bizarre reason I picked up the mozzarella and tomato so Caitlin could have some then put it back and got the chicken and mushroom as Jackie likes mushrooms.

Oh well, at least Jackie enjoyed the pizza and Caitlin liked the camembert. I had both because I could and then we watched Will and Harper. Like the old days, without the drink.

Bed at 10 is far too late. The problem with getting over tired is you yawn a lot, while not sleeping. Yawning is one seriously sore activity. It is probably getting me medal placing points on the oral Olympics heptathlon but it's pretty sore so not recommended.

More blood than before in the morning, after bicarbonate of soda gargling but that's to be expected. It's not likely to decline in week 4 and it's likely to continue until week 8 at least. I've decided I'm not going to cough up, but rather try and swallow and flush through so the gargling and the water pic can clean the mouth but the rest will hopefully be dealt with by the stomach onwards.

As a smoker I used to cough for an hour every morning with my first four or five fags. They'd see me slowly empty the contents of my throat and lungs with each passing cough and gob. With hindsight I thought this a bad look. Most people looking at me thought so too.

So swallow it is and keep sipping the fluids, just like I did during the most amazing, relaxing and exhilarating session of reiki reflexology. I'm convinced the reason I'm not crying my eyes out every day is these sessions have just been so energising. 

So much so that after walking back I had an appetite for lunch and threw down another shake. At this rate I'll have put weight on by tomorrow's weigh in. It's been 15/13 in the house and 104kg when I get weighed so can't see much changing in the meantime. 

I arrived early again having got the bus all the way. A heavy shower erupted as we turned off princes st so I took the lazy option and can get a few steps later on my way to cafe Gallo. Tea tonight will be early so cafe artista is my second stop on the way home. I'm thinking I'll have the.mushroom ravioli but I might go down the spinach and ricotta route. Never sure how much zing I fancy.

Even I'm getting bored writing this so I've no idea why anyone has read it. I'll put it down to blog fatigue. Camino Can'cerre day 17 in the radiotherapy calendar really is the lost steps in the marathon. I think Caitlin being up really helps and getting through to next week's starting grid of week 5 and the second chemo is all this week's about.

There's champion's league football tonight so something to pass another evening but as the nights draw in it clearly can make you power down. I try and allow myself low moments l, let the tears gather and then kick on. "The woe is me angst in the middle of summer" as Roddy Frame famously described to us when we asked why "just like June the curtains are closed".

I use that song all the time to get me back chuckling, "pillar to post" a 1982 Aztec Camera classic.

If that doesn't work the random parking of cars always sets me off. This person failed to squeeze into a spot so reversed up the road past the double yellows so it was on the chevrons. Then they got out crossed the road and I guess went to a shop. I love that shit. Clearly someone who cares not a jot except whatever they're doing matters. Some of us spend far too much time caring about others and need a good dose of sod everyone my life matters.

I only think mine matters because the professionals are spending so much time on treating me. Jackie's hiding her virus from me so hopefully I'll be fine for the chemo but as she lost her voice today she's not really hiding very well from it herself. It'll pass by the weekend but hopefully not to Caitlin or I. We've got plans, so sod you, we don't want your virus.

Early tea from cafe artista this evening. I would've happily sat in but will collect and take home. Nothing like penne and pizza. I'm so hungry always but with the current situation I do fill up very quickly. In the old days you could rely on the munchies but these drugs I take now are doing nothing for my appetite 😂.

I feel Tuesday evening coming in now and tomorrow is half way on week 4. I've got nutrition and a few questions to answer. I've already forgotten what they were last week so I'll just continue with the oral Olympics and hope they just want to check my tube is still.getting it's daily flush. I put one 50ml syringe down 10 days ago but since then I've just been drinking 1 or 2 a day. They seemed happy last week with the regime so fingers crossed for tomorrow.

There is no doubt about it, I will always get the bus when carrying a pizza. Especially when the temporary lights mean I can walk up to the stop and get on.

I'm probably down a few steps today but I'll catch up later maybe if I have the energy. I do have a large chunk of imposter syndrome kicking in. All the stuff they've told me to do has resulted in me being pretty much pain free and able to eat. I know it's unlikely to last for ever and I certainly don't want to bring on any more pain, but I'll thank them again tomorrow because they are absolutely the stars of the show. I'm astounded how well they've looked after me and made sure I was aware of all the stuff I needed both to know and do.

Ok, so I needed to get my steps up....just the one please.