The scan was inconclusive so a PET scan is now ordered. It was the size of a cream egg arlt the outset and is now a mini egg size. They need to know if it's hot or not. If it's hot it'll be surgery, if it's not then it's tube out and viva Espana. Scan will be within 3 weeks.
My consultant is a Mackenzie but I can't remember if old Donald McKenzie was a Mc or a Mac. He'd be 120 if he was still around. He taught us WoodMac post room kids loads. It's the wrong time to ask if he was a grandparent but it would make me chuckle.
They often say at funerals that you come into the earth with nothing and you leave with nothing but they don't tell you how you live rent free in your friends and families heads for evermore. I know golfers who still miss putts because I got in their head in 1979 and I've been there since. I know songs that I have bang on about to others while some are still quoted to me 40 years on with the love and affection Joan Armatrading would be proud of. This website is full of Deadbeat tapes and bands very few heard but I still listen to it sing as I wander the streets.
There are forces who try so hard to monetise everything and yet songs we sing, the air we breathe, company with people who make us feel good are free. We're encouraged to believe those conversations will be better if we spend £200 a head on them. We make choices to enjoy things that are expensive or free to enjoy our memories of people we have loved and lost.
Some may have travelled around the world some may have left the world but they'll never leave our heads. I have regularly walked the Camino to enjoy these things as it's the setting they work well in. It's a very nostalgic time and it's also a great time to get excited about what's next.
I think that about work and I remember mentioning in a blog last year about bumping into John Frame at the meadows, the day of the short hole golf world championship. I remember it well and it reminded me of work of many types before and after I worked with John.
Since May I have been involved in a wonderful project where I've been reminded that I'm a custodian of a body. I managed to ditch work for other fun responsibilities but I've never taken seriously my duties to myself. My time will come, I'd chuckle. It had always been my time.
Process
This whole process has reminded me of the light bulb moment when I was in Newcastle. I was there to guide the team away from relegation. Yes, where 200 people worked in the custodian looking after 20 billion pounds of assets on behalf of 500,000 peaople. I don't think many of them appreciated what they were trying to do. One task at a time was largely the way it was viewed. They had no concept of safe keeping. That's all we were, a post office box that collected stuff for other people, gave them some of it and kept the rest safe. They were failing on many counts.
I think looking after your body and being custodian over it is similar. In my case I've failed over the years on multiple levels but that's why you live and learn.
There have been times when I have found it easier to focus on one task and not concern myself with the overall job.
On arrival in Newcastle I met everyone and tried to give my thoughts on why I was there. I tried to explain our job and relevance, we were looking after your mum's money, your dad's money, your granny's money and that was all. They looked blankly back at me and thought we've got one here. As administrative hosts, I continued, we tried to provide as much intelligence to the individual or asset manager as possible. This element of coaching proved quite tough for some as not every manager was grateful for our services. It appeared every time we scored a goal it was ignored but when we passed it out the park or failed in our control it was met with groans. I set about mediating when I arrived but no doubt about how broken it was.
I look back at the chemo, dehydration, at constipation, overnight stays with disdain and affection. My daily blood taking and lines being put in. Sometimes I thought process while at other times I saw the whole picture. My body has failed and as custodian I was getting assistance.
When I look back at some of my most difficult moments in Newcastle my exchanges with the managers of the valuations and the fees teams summed it up. They had a complete disconnect with the purpose of the process, they were so obsessed by the actual process. A classic wood for the trees moment. For completely different reasons they were so fixated on explaining to me why it wasn't their fault they couldn't see the problem never mind any potential solution except through their problem prism.
The valuation manager kept explaining that a stock had been miscoded and that was why the correct stock was not displayed on the valuation and it was now worthless. I tried one of my many different analogies but to no avail. I said I bought a ticket for the Newcastle v Man Utd but you've given me a ticket for take that in the summer. I was told it was because the codes were similar. I said I just want to go to the football and I kept having it explained to me why I had the wrong ticket, so it was right. I knew I was barking up the wrong tree as the manager tried to convince me I had indeed now got a ticket for take that so I could forget about the football unless I wanted to change it. My attempts to try and get them to understand that wasn't what I'd asked to do just resulted in them getting more irate at my attitude.
I backed off quietly on the analogy as this was a moment for personal reflection. This manager wasn't in learning mode and certainly not from the just bussed in boss. I tried another one. These situations keep arising where upstream someone has polluted the water your using to give to your crops and some are getting diseased. I thought we could discuss what options we have. It was explained to me that nothing could be done because someone has polluted the water. When I suggested we could ask them to stop, that was met with a stony face. Don't be stupid, I was told, this river's always been polluted and some crops can't cope. That's why we call it brown corn when we sell it. I begged had we tried to investigate the pollution and I could see in the rolling of the eyes that it was a pointless endeavour. She clearly was bright enough to play the analogy game and obstinate enough to persevere in beating me.
Finally I said, as I'm the guy allegedly down here to rescue the office from closure maybe I'll investigate. I was back 10 minutes later saying it was fixed. I was met with I've been asking for that to be done for two years how did you get it fixed in 10 minutes. I explained I was just lucky, I asked the right person. When asked who, I said you, of course. You explained to me why it had never been sorted and so I went and sorted it. The actual reason was a silly we technical one where you had to request a code and nobody had ever done it before so they didn't know who to ask. I think in business courses they talk about the right technical knowledge but with many organisations it can mean knowing someone old enough to know how it was done in the manual days or knowing that new problems appear requiring new solutions. Valuations was an old problem fees was a new one.
My time with the fees manager was the same. A short session over the course of a day or two and an evening. I asked all the stupid questions they gave me the answer and then I thanked them for fixing the problem.
It was again a system issue, the complete lack of one. It was also a human issue where the manager believed getting 80% right through manual input should be celebrated. He liked his football so I was able to say playing without a goalie works 4 times out of 5 as the opposition are rubbish. It didn't work, but when I said you sound like an England penalty kick taker it hit home. I never missed a penalty. Exactly, I said and I need you to never input changes incorrectly, if that's ok. I had asked is the processing stuff your game. He had said no, he hates numbers and wanted to open an art gallery. I laughed and so did his colleagues who all knew he was in the wrong job.
They received these instructions via email in the main and the whole procedural process was flawed bringing human error into the spotlight. I asked a programmer pal if we could write a very simple program, she did, the rest was history. I rolled it out around the group calling it a prototype. Everyone loved it and the anger levels between fees and the rest plummeted. As there were no errors anymore the fees team prospered and a year later, the manager left to set up a gallery in Sheffield. Funnily enough the company did alright too, as over £2m of fees had never been collected that year but I wasn't allowed to get the previous 3 years that had over £5m of unclaimed income. Some managers really do look after their clients money when the firm are trying to charge.
Some reading this will be laughing at the absurdity of work, some may even identify with the protagonists, me or the managers, it's hard not to for me, but it's what keeps me going as well as I frequently identify with the managers. I often get stuck banging my head against a locked door that everyone knows is a wall.
In my first 6 weeks there was a plethora of discoveries.
Finding everyone still at the coffee machine at 10am every morning I had to ask. Basically their machines were so old they lacked the processing power for an organisation that had built it's office on 100,000 line spreadsheets. I bought them all new machines to replace their 8 year old museum pieces. Finding a fraudster had been pilfering for 11 years was the main reason out dividends weren't working well. £600,000 and counting but impossible to quantify as the procedures for fraud didn't exist. Dividend cheques often go missing in custodians and the largest I saw was a Tesco one, 3 years old for £80,000. It had actually been stolen after being legitimately lost in a drawer. Custodians are notorious for losing cheques and there are few people who check they've received all their dividends. It's done on trust, well they are custodians.
Finding nobody sat the exams explained why there was such a disconnect with the concept of custodial responsibility and care. I tied exams to salary cash with passes getting well rewarded. Within 6 months 100 had a pass. I paid out more for the passes than I had for the new computers. I still had change to drink for a lifetime.
The recovery process involves recognising we are all custodians, not just of the planet but of ourselves. We need to be able to manage ourselves first and not many can. It's hard knowing when you need help and when you should puzzle it out. Cancer isn't wordle. It's not soduko and certainly not a bus timetable.
That much is true but when does a toe nail become an issue. When it falls off? Or do you just tape it up and walk on.
I'll get the next PET Scan and results before the end of February I hope and keep my fingers and toes crossed. It's always been a waiting game so time to get on with stuff while I wait. I need new water proofs for starters🙄
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