Friday 16 August 2019

#edinburghfestivalfringe

Performers know this but it's one of the darkest secrets of the festival.

Financially you rarely break even and Edinburgh excites your brain whilst stealing your soul, oh, and your money. Whether it's accomodation, coffee house or purveyor of alcohol, you'll be greeted by high prices and petty crime. You're in an untrained workplace where the majority of the helpful people in front of you have no intention of having a long term career in hospitality. You'll think 'thank fuck', but then part with the statement  internally, 'aye, it's the fringe'.

The circus comes to town and the performers perform, while the local wannabees make up the chorus, the bars and the restaurants. The time for hygeine training is somewhere between wiping your arse and picking your nose, but definitely after your tattoo had dried.

At a time when the UK has rules on the 17 years and younger you wonder why a couple of days can make such a difference. Clearly I did.

I had a great day in the sun as I soaked in the sounds, the carnival ambience but against this background what stuck in the craw was flyers being handed to us at the table and the same voice sweeping them into a black bin liner. As the afternoon wore on all I heard was "Can I leave a flyer,", "Can I take this flyer", I explained that those taking the flyers away were only encouraging more to arrive and that by leaving a pile on the table it would clearly attract more but at least the same one wouldn't be dropped numerous times.

Whenever I was joined at the table by patrons of the fringe, I would ask them if they'd like a drink, a precursor to watch my beach towel and seat, and I'd quickly buy a drink. I say quickly but there are few bat staff working the counters as few have worked in the trade before. There are very few people who know how to change a barrel never mind operate the till, or calculate change. The problem isn't that they're particularly inept, more that there are few resources available to train them. Every year poor bar staff are left without change as the managers hope that everyone will bring the right money and the unfortunate bar person isnt hit with £20 notes for their first 5 rounds. Contactless helps this but putting signs up saying card till only are quite simply statements of "Fuck you customer". They're like betting shops hoping if you go contactless you'll not notice your spend until its too late.

Ryanair are often pilloried for their treatment of passengers as they herd them into lines 30 minutes before the flight is ready for boarding, charge them for the privilege of using the plane and yet many venues make Michael O'Leary look like he cares deeply about the customer experience. Has anyone every been advised what to do in the event of a fire alarm sounding, where the exit is, where the muster point is? Never mind the audience lets just hope the performers and staff have been trained. Its another of Edinburgh's quiet disgraces and I hope it never manifests as we'd never recover from it.

There's a certain amount of car crash that comes with the month of August in Edinburgh and its not always on the stage. The streets froth with people thinking that the city is one big pedestrian zone, cyclists think they can still zip up the inside of cars and buses, crashing lights with impunity and shouting at pedestrians crossing the road for entering a cycle lane. I say the latter as I watched an altercation between a pedestrian and a cyclist on the middle meadow walkway. A walkway that is split in two for bikes and people, yet there are always 300 people for every bike. I wanted to heckle with, should the pram be in the cycle lane, but I could tell the cyclist was already miffed at slowing from 35mph down the hill to accomodate the itinerant pedestrian overtaking said pram.

Ah the Fringe, we love it, but visitors bring their own believe system and Lance Armstrong certainly didn't know we had a speed limit in Edinburgh of 20mph but he did think pedestrians weren't allowed in cycle lanes, ha ha, of course they are, this is Edinburgh where Pedestrians Rool ya bass!



TBC

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